o/~ I am not looking for a key to open every door, just a pillow on your floor where i can sit o/~
2003-05-26 - 4:38 p.m.
*sigh*. people. i have a lot of complaining i would like to do about a few people at my school, but i think i'll use my anger-generated idle energy towards something else i've been meaning to talk about. I wrote this entry yesterday, but dland ate it...it prolly won't turn out the same, i'm in a much different mindset now.
Before i go any further, i discussed this with someone once, and they told me to stop "spouting _____'s propoganda." these are *my* thoughts...if you want to blame someone for them, blame *me*.
as well
words and lyrics by me
(except for the first line, which is Gella's.)
mp3 is here
you don't know how many people have passed through my life
over and out and another red car on the road
another fine suitor, another dog walker
another guitar playing busker
burning a hole in the silver green smoke of the city
singing the same song that everyone's singing
the same song they're tired of singing
now i am standing here singing that same song again
They're tired of you and they're tired of me
and they're tired of this conspiracy theory
and they're still scouring this second world wishing well
looking for someone who won't walk away
the first time that they disagree
we live off the land, the landlord lives of last week's salary
we pay our dues, we watch the news, sons of society
follow the war like it was reality tv
and when it's over it sits stagnant
beside wheel of fortune and jeapordy
i don't remember george bush senior
don't recall mackenzie king
or albert einstein, or john lennon
elvis presley, harry potter
i didn't know my next door neighbor
i didn't even know my father
i will never get to meet them
now they've all passed through my life as well
she said: "What the fuck is a fluid relationship, anyway?" and then added "Fluid relationships = bullshit." in the footnotes.
I've probably used this term before, maybe even to you. A lot of people who i've talked to about this idea think "fluid relationships" is a flaky phrase used by people who are afraid of commitment. Just like any other phrase, it can be said without thought, or as an excuse. And yes, i agree that on it's own, it sounds pretty vague.
This is only because it is not an *ideal* phrase for my views on my relationships, but it's the most fitting one i've found yet...i guess i'm not articulate enough to describe it any better. maybe it can't be described any better. that's not the point, though.
Life happens. Time goes by and people change. You suddenly have nothing to say to people you used to be able to talk for hours with. You start drifting apart. This doesn't mean somebody is going behind your back and spreading rumors about you so you will drift apart. Somehow a conspiracy theory always ends up getting worked into these situations.
*sometimes this happens for no other reason than because time has passed and people have changed!*
and sometimes these 'conspiracies' (for lack of a better word) are invented to put a face on an unpleasant situation. It's painful to think that you could be naturally drifting apart from someone who used to be very close to you. if there's a big explosion or a rumor or a lie, there's something we can collectively hate. Then you can "choose sides". Then you know very neatly who to like and who to dislike. It's not neat like that. It just doesn't work that way for me.
of course, these things aren't always invented, i'm just saying this is what i believe has happened in my particular situation, and does happen sometimes.
there is no 'one law' i follow. I do not follow the 'law of fluid relationships.' all i mean is...time passes. things happen. just because we may have drifted apart, it doesn't mean i care about you less, it doesn't make you less of my friend. there might come a time when we drift together again...there might not.
the point is...making friendships "work" is impossible. friendships are not work to me, they don't come with a building plan or have a completion date or timetable. If i have bad habits that repel people and i want to work on them, i can do that...but i can only "work" on *my own* behavior. forcing yourself to talk to somebody in order to make something "work" is not going to result in a meaningful conversation (because it's forced), and won't end up "working" at all. There really is no such thing as making friendships "work."
It's all really easy. I talk to people when i have something to say, or when i feel like talking. When i don't, i don't. Yes, sometimes i'm able to talk to certain people more easily than others. But i would never want somebody to talk to me for any other reason than that they genuinely want to. I don't want it to be a chore.
This doesn't mean i'm afraid of commitment...the opposite actually. i always support my friends they need it...but i will not go along with something i do not believe in, or not stick up for a friend, just because i'm afraid it might cause me to drift apart from someone else. to me, commitment doesn't mean blind agreeance, it doesn't mean chaining someone to your arm. It means loving somebody, but still letting them live their own lives and be their own people.
Somewhat of a different tangent of thought...people have warned me in the past to be careful of being played. once again they say, "there is no commitment in any sort of fluid relationship." This took me a *long* time to wrap my mind around...and i don't think it'll ever get there. People are constantly asking me if i am dating someone. One girl at school asked me why i "don't have my girlfriend more whipped", or why i don't "look for someone more faithful."
I'm not *looking* for a girlfriend. i don't befriend people in hopes that somewhere down the line i will date them. I don't have a problem with the idea of monogamy...but i would hate the tiptoeing around each other that often comes with dating that i see in so many couples at my school..."does he like me? am i sending the right signals? can i ask him for his number, or is that too straightforward?" this would drive me nuts. I used to think like this, and i practically did go nuts.
sometimes people hear my story and think i'm in a bad situatiom, relationship-wise. I won't lie...sometimes i do get jealous. Sometimes i get lonely. sometimes the distance gets to me. but i'm *NOT* in a bad situation, not at all. She doesn't coddle me. She tells me what she thinks. She works through problems with me. She doesn't try to spare my feelings. She makes me think.
The other day, jaimie asked me what i like most about gella, and i had the answer right away. "She's not boring!"
heh. this entry is quite disjointed. can of brains opened. thoughts everywhere. and i managed to get through an entry on fluid relationships without even mentioning the slightly dirtier implications of it. :)
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