tiptoing. *warning: may contain offensive material. read at own risk.*
2003-05-29 - 3:43 p.m.

*several people* responded to me in response to my entry on fluid relationships. In that entry, i referenced a sentence somebody wrote, and i was sharing my thoughts on that idea, my thoughts on the sentence that person said. That entry was a response to that person's *sentence*, not to that person, or anybody. I guess i didn't make that clear, and i'm sorry. What i am about to write is also not directed as a response to any one person. This is a response to *myself.* This is being said to clarify things that i said, to respond to my own words, this is being said for the same reason i say everything else i write on this diary...to put *my own thoughts* into text...and to share them with you, if you want to read them.

if you don't want to read this...feel free not to. I'm telling you now...it is your choice whether or not you want to read this.

I am responsible for what i write on this diary. my responsibility. me. I do not consider myself blameless or innocent in any way. I am blunt in here sometimes. This can sometimes be a bad thing. I write what i'm thinking, and i tell the truth about what's in *my own brain*, because that's the only story i can get straight.

that entry was an explosion of thoughts. It was random tangents. it was not a message to you or your pet cat or him or her or them or it. i don't want to have to disclaim every entry with "this is not about you". my thoughts are too scattered to be that specific. I am not eloquent enough to be specific...and i don't want to put my entries into essay form. my entries do not always make sense. Sometimes I don't even know in my own mind where i'm going with them. This is not a structured blog. I have a structured blog. it is here.

if you, them, anybody wants to think this entry is bullshit, feel free. you have your own opinion on what is bullshit and what is not. I am not offended. If you, them, anybody wants to say it's made of lies, feel free. I am in my own mind, i know when what i say is the truth or not...you are responsible for your own thoughts and opinions. I am responsible for mine.

once again, you can stop reading if you want. If this is a bad time for this, this entry will still be here when or if you choose to come back and read it.

This is not to say that i'm not responsible for being a bitch. if i am being a bitch, that is my fault, my actions. if i am being cruel, that is my fault. I am not sorry for sharing my thoughts...but i am sorry for not clarifying them better. and I am sorry for hurting you. I don't want to hurt people...but i cannot tiptoe through everything. sometimes, issues need to be resolved. sometimes things need to come into the open. I cannot keep the peace when there is no peace to keep. Not talking about the issue would cause more pain in the long run.

I am not made of stone. I know these situations hurt. and I *AM* hurt too. by all these situations. it's not easy to work them out. but I know sometimes i have a tendency to find ways to avoid working situations out to avoid the pain... but they don't work.

I also have to learn to deal with them on my own. If i am going to write about them, i have to grow a harder shell. I can't spend my life running to Jaimie and Mills whenever something upsets me.

In fact, i need to learn to follow all my own rules. here, i can be idealistic. here i can talk about where i need to get to. Back in the real world, i'm most probably not there yet. one of the main reasons for this diary is so i don't wander around aimlessly.

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